| A trip back in time. |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|02:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my townhouse | ] |
| [ | feeling |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | hearing |
| | "How's It Going To Be" (Third Eye Blind) | ] |
I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could do it again. All of it. Change some things, keep some things, live again.
As a child, there was nothing more exciting than playing with friends. School was a breeze, and after getting home and finishing homework, there was nothing better than going outside in the backyard and creating a world of my own. I built an irrigation ditch for a tree, I did an experiment with caterpillars, I looked at bones from animals that had been eaten by a cat, I never stopped moving, I never stopped pretending. There were times where I couldn't be happier. One day I sat down on my back porch to put on shoes so I could play, when my cat, Bobbie Sox, came up and laid down on my lap. I just froze and let her sleep there. This was completely random and made me so happy -- this was a sweet cat; she loved us and tolerated us (as we were, I'm sure, more than annoying to a cat), but she never really cuddled. So this made my day. Time flew by as a child. Nothing was confusing, nothing was complicated, everything was perfect. I was sad when I moved to a new house, I was sad when people died, and that was pretty much it.
Middle school rolls around and there's financial difficulty at home. My dad lost his job due to a company downsize, and it took him a while to find one that was equivalent to the lost one. I remember eating free lunch at school. I remember my parents fighting for the first time. I remember being scared and sad. Puberty hit and life became even more confusing. I went from being tiny to having, well, curves. I was shy and became introverted. I was no longer the outgoing, adventurous, punk who could make friends with anyone in five seconds. I would rather sit alone in my room and read books, fall in love with book characters, and daydream than go outside and build forts, conquer the world, etc.
High school comes around and marching band starts. Marching band was the defining point of my regular high school career. I had fun. I became, once again, more excited about making friends. I started dating boys. I lived and breathed marching band. Along with friends came drama. Because of how I was (had tons of friends as a child, quiet and observant of the social scene as a pre-teen) I was instantly a source of comfort for those around me. I became a person who could develop a compromise for just about anyone. I solved relationship issues. Something I didn't know at the time was that all of this just meant that I would be even more tied up in drama as a whole. This meant that eventually I had my first enemy. Because of him my last days at high school were crazy. I hated being there almost as much as the fact that I knew I'd be leaving to go to Governor's School. I wanted to stay in marching band, but I couldn't stand the drama. After all, GSSM would be better for my future, right? I mean, who needs marching band for their future?
I left with excitement but also with a bit of sadness. I mean, how many 16 year olds are ready to pick up and leave their parents? It was compounded by the fact that my grandparents and some others were opposed to my leaving. They didn't want me to leave; didn't want me to grow up so fast and miss out on childhood. I went anyway. At first I didn't really socialize too much. I was too obsessed with people from back home. I had, after all, promised all of them that I would stay in touch and come back to visit as much as possible. Then someone dragged me downstairs for "happy half." I had heard about this "happy half" but hadn't been interested before. Why would I want to go downstairs to hang out with all of these people when I could just stay upstairs and talk to my roommate? Well finally one day we went downstairs together and, much to my surprise, had a complete blast! I didn't go another day without happy half the entire time I was there. I soon made friends. I wasn't stressed about school, even though I could have easily been. I had an amazing time my junior year of high school; until the end. Until I started thinking about losing people. The seniors were graduating; I was sure my future juniors would fall short of the bar my seniors had created. I suffered through depression for the first time. It was shrugged off by an incapable counselor. My senior year was okay. It wasn't as fun as the junior year had been. I did start dating Nathan; having my first long relationship (2.5 years). The new campus wasn't as good as the old one though, I missed it a lot. My juniors were okay, but I was right about my seniors being better.
When I graduated I chose to go to USC. I went there to continue my research. I got there and cried every night. I was lonely, so lonely. I was in a long-distance relationship. At that point, it was borderline emotionally abusive. I was told I wasn't doing enough. My research, honors classes, and full schedule weren't enough to get into grad school one day. I would need to do better, according to him. I tried to do better. I really wanted nothing more than to be with him, but he wanted nothing more than to be able to focus on his own school work, and had no time to hear a crying girlfriend. The summers were lonely cause he was gone. It's sad that this is all I have to mark my life with, but it's true. Research was going well, but I found out it wasn't my passion. The second year of USC came and with it I became an RA. This was the loneliest part of my life -- not only did I still have a long-distance relationship, but my best friend's boyfriend had just come to USC and she no longer had time for me. My depression peaked. I went to a counselor and started taking meds. Eventually that boyfriend hurt me beyond belief, and things ended. I transferred to Clemson cause I wanted to be a vet.
Clemson started and I wanted to make it different. New place, start over, right? I joined a sorority on a whim. It was fun, I made friends, life was easier. Classes were packed on. I was an RA in an all-female dorm, which was okay, but definitely much different than I was used to. There was drama on the hall all the time. Drama in the sorority. Drama with guy friends. Drama! But it was okay, it was manageable, and at least now I was out and about. No more pills. I only kept in touch with one person from USC, but there weren't many more than that who I would have even called friends. My senior year was the best I had in college. I was an RA again, but once again, it was a coed dorm. The first semester was marked by a new friendship that should have been an old friendship, vet school applications, and trips downtown, which had never happened before. It was fun and through this, second semester was even better because of fun vet school interview trips, and because of my new boyfriend. We started dating a month before graduation. Crazy, right? Maybe. We stayed together throughout the summer, with him working, and visiting each other at every possible moment.
I had a really hard decision to make. Not only did I get into vet school, but I got into all of the ones I applied to plus an extra program (the DVM/PhD program). I thought about it for a long time, and even made a second trip to MSU to meet professors. I made my decision.
This is a six to seven year program. I'll be 28 or 29 when I graduate. Family possibilities are limited by this crazy career choice. I just hope it's the right one; we only get one chance at life. What if I use up my time as a young adult in class and working? Then when I get settled and want to have a family, I may be too old. I hope not. After all, I'm still the same adventurous kid somewhere in my soul. My number one goal in life is to have a family. I hope I get to do that. I'd be lying if I didn't say I hope secretly that Chris and I work out and that he moves here. I wish every day that we stay together and stay happy.
At the end of the summer, my family (plus Chris) helped me move to Mississippi for vet school. It was hard to say goodbye. I cried when I said goodbye to people. Every time. Now I'm here alone. Chris is still in South Carolina, working. I'm trying to get him to move here, but that's a big thing to ask of anyone. Could I do the same for him if the situation was reversed? Could I pack up all my things and say goodbye to my loved ones to move here, a place I've never been, a place with no one I know, a place that's in the middle of nowhere? I don't know. I think I could, but it'd be hard. He's sending applications to architecture firms in the area, but with the economy, I don't know how feasible a job is. Could I ask him to put his life on hold for mine? Probably not. I just wish it didn't matter. I wish I could do something irrational; I'm tired of always doing the rational thing. Sometimes you have to take leaps, right? I don't want him to have to sacrifice, but I don't want another 2 years of my life to be marked by nothing but loneliness and tears each night. I drifted away from the last one; I don't want to do that again. I love Chris, I do. More than he knows. It gets stronger everyday, even at a distance.
I'm going crazy here alone. I want a dog at least. I spent an hour tonight looking at pictures of some from local shelters, both on their websites and on pet finder. I want a shelter dog. I want one who needs me as much as I need him or her. They need a second chance and I need to be sane.
There's nothing quite as odd as being alone and having no noise in a big apartment. I spend all my free time talking to friends and family on the phone, but my phone plan limits how much time I can spend with them. I play WOW to stay connected, obsess myself with perfect scores on Rock Band for consolation, and talk on AIM as a substitute to phone time because of minutes. I'm doing what I need to.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm really trying here. I want so much to be independent. To be appreciative of alone time. To be okay on my own. I hate crying on shoulders all the time. I hate being a burden, I hate being whiny, I hate being annoying and helpless. I hate being weak. I wish I could do this. I'm trying, I am.
I am so sorry.
That said, would I go back and do it again? Yes. I never thought I'd say that -- after all, school hasn't exactly been easy since I left regular high school. However, now that I look back on the whole picture, the years at GSSM and Clemson were my four happiest years, sans childhood.
What would I change? I wish I could have had the guts to say goodbye my freshman year. I wish I hadn't wasted two years of my life crying. I don't know if I would have skipped USC in the first place; after all, that research is what got me my position here as a DVM/PhD student. But maybe that would have been for the better. Maybe then I'd be closer to home. I would have spoken to some people sooner; wouldn't have bothered with others. I wouldn't have let certain drama affect me. I wouldn't have done a thing differently as far as balance goes; I obviously got that right since I had fun the last two years, plus I managed to reach my goals.
But I think I'll always miss being a kid. I'll never forget how easy life used to be. I know it won't ever be like that again; now I just hope my future kids have a good childhood. I guess it's just time for me to grow up. After all, I'm 22 and hardly a child anymore. |
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